texas sucks. i hate it. which is why im moving out of the country at the end of next summer. im currently weighing my options... australia, london, or brazil.

im going to leave all my posts up but i wont be updating until i feel something substantial has changed because as of yet, nothing has.

i'll be back when the wind changes. like mary poppins.

ASAP!

Currently Listening Dear Catastrophe Waitress By Belle & Sebastian Asleep On A Sunbeam see related

'Cause I Creep

Warning: This Is Long, But Shit, It's Worth A Read.

I usually refrain from posting at work but this ish is an emergency. I am so thrown! Let me fill the new people in on the backstory.

Last summer I was up here in Virginia stayin' with my (re-married with kids) father as usual. Whenever we were in the car together, I would hear him on the phone with this woman. They were always on the motha fuckin phone and I would hear her singing to him and callin' her "baby" and such. As yall know, I am a detective in my spare time aka I'm nosy as hell. So I sneak a peek at his phone while he's talking to the broad. The phone display says "Brian".

That sneaky mother fucker.

The phone display also shows "Brian's" number so I slyly add the number into my phonebook for future reference. Later on that day, I blocked my number and dialed. "Hello, you have reached the voicemail of Wendy ____, please leave a message I'll get back to you. Oh by the way, I'm a ho." OK not that little last part. So I managed to garner her first and last name.

That night I decided to research the mistress and via my sources I discovered exactly who she was. She was a young, beautiful real estate lady who worked in the same building that me and my father worked in. I was furious. Mind you, I barely like my manly stepmother (here is her likeness http://imdb.com/gallery/ss/0250425/2?path=gallery&path_key=0250425&seq=8) But I got mad because his unfaithfulness is what ended his relationship with my mom. Nobody fucks with my mom, I'll cut a bitch.

Here is a picture of my dad's mistress.

I first got a look at her from far away when I attended a military anniversary party and she sang (horribly) the National Anthem. She sang that to my father on the phone.

Anyways all of that longass backstory was to bring us to this point:

As I was browsing the internets happily as I usually do, I felt some kind of prescence behind me. I looked to the side and I saw someone had slowed down in passing my cubicle instead of walking by all fast-like as everyone usually does. Eventually she kept passing and decided to strike up a conversation with Pamela IWishIWas16Again.

"Hello, I'm Wendy ___"

Me (thinking): What is this hooker doing in my office?

I ever so slyly left my cubicle acting like I was in search of something.

Me: Hi.

Wendy: (amazed) You're Charles Hamilton.

I got a good look at her. She was beautiful. Long black hair, perfect body, pretty face, pleasant demeanor. If I wasn't so infatuated with the cock, I'd do her.

Me: Do I know you?

Wendy: Uh...no, I just saw your name outside your cubicle and-

Me: Do you know my father?

Wendy: I know a Charles Hamilton. Does your father work here?

Bla bla bla we went through a whole charade and eventually established we were talking about the same man.

Wendy: Oh wow....I didn't know he....Wow.

Charles: Yeah. I have some work to do.

I went to go talk to one of my at-work-friends Wendy Jackson (this 40 year old lady with twins who she dumbly named Tia & Tamara. WTF! Poor chilluns.) Upon returning to my cubicle, I felt the prescence again.

Wendy: Do you know where your father is?

Me: (sweetly and charmingly as usual) No, he's in St. Louis for a Kappa Convention and won't be back 'til Monday. Do you need him for anything?

We proceeded to make small talk about me going to college and how handsome I am and how young I look and how I live in Texas with my mom and how she works down the hall.

Basically, we established that my existence was a surprise to her and that her existence was of no great surprise to me.

Wendy: Oh....no. (all beautiful and charming as well) Well it was nice meeting you.

I just researched her again and discovered there is a blog (website) made about her. This site posted her whole name and phone number! Someone (perhaps my stepmother?) is a mad black woman! Here's an excerpt:

Michael Jackson and the Neverland Ranch.....I mean Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I was really trying to avoid looking at Depp's Willy Wonka as Michael Jackson because:

1) MJ jokes/references are annoying

2) I wanted to keep an open mind about the movie, free of comparing this movie to the 70s version of the book and free of comparing Depp to the King of Pop.

*Warning: This post will contain things shown in the movie. If you wish to go see this [horrid piece of shit of a] movie and don't wish to have anything spoiled then please read no further. Actually please do it anyways!*

Tim Burton, when making this movie, had to have had Michael Jackson in mind. The gray skin, the strange haircut, the high girly voice and giggle, the overally creepiness. All that he needed was to grab his crotch and that would have cinched the deal. No, what really made it obvious for me was the whole father/son element of the movie. At the beginning of the movie we see Wonka having trouble mentioning the word "parents" and subsequently has creepy flashbacks of his childhood where Michael's father Joe emotionally abused him....I mean flashbacks where Wonka's father emotionally abused him. Also before Wonka gives Molestion Victim # 3....I mean Charlie the factory, he makes Charlie come with him to work out his daddy issues.

I mean, what kind of fucked up demented movie is this! They totally fucked up a good story here. I mean, my xanga name is based off of this inspirational and badass story and Tim Burton/Johnny Depp totally raped it of its greatness.

Willy Wonka had the humor of a five year old, using such brilliant lines as "Hehe, you're weeeeeeiiiirrrrd" and "Don't touch that squirell's nuts!"

I really did not want to compare this movie to the old movie, but I must. The old one is just untouchable. The perfect music (three of the songs are on my xanga playlist at the top), the perfect cast, the perfect Wonka lines. Errything. It could inspire me and actually move me to get emotional (the song Pure Imagination and the end where they're in the Wonkavator) This one was just wack, not funny, not moving, and made me want to slit my wrists (the correct way).

The only good thing were the bratty kids were casted pretty well. As well as the parents. And Wonka made a reference to a little known 60s band that I like (The Fifth Dimension's song "Good Morning, Starshine" which can also be found on my xanga playlist). So that was cool. But the rest was absolute shit.

What made it worse was these two little Asian bitches sitting behind me. They would not shut the fuck up and kept laughing incessantly and obnoxiously at every thing so eventually I had to yell "SHUT UP! ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY! SHIT!" And they shut up.

I might have to add some shit later as I remember it.

Now after the movie I was hella hungry and in my hungry stupor and desperation I went to McDonald's. Every time I get done there I vow to never return. It makes me sick and is gross. But I went there anyway. Anyways, so the girl couldn't get my order right n shit, so I was like look this is what I want. When I roll up to the window, Shaquita Tamika (or whatever her name is, she looked real ghetto) gives me a real attitudinal stare as she's handing me my change. And so I stare at the bitch back in a crazyass way. So now we're having a bitch-off. The ultimate challenge to see who can out-bitch the other with only the use of our facial expressions. It started getting ridiculous so we both started laughing and I started driving off. But what a bitch.

I also have to tell yall some more things about my boss(es) but I will save that for another day. I'm watching Ghost now so I will go continue that.

Peace,

Charlie Bucket (the 1971 Charlie, duh)

Dear Karma, I will never accuse you of being a bitch again.

I am exhaused, but I need to post about this before I lose the will to do so forever.

Today I went to the Holy Sugar Water Concert in Columbia, Maryland which is an hour away from here. I was to be accompanied by longtime friend Shay but the bitch was nowhere to be found last night, this morning, this afternoon or at any other point in time I tried to contact her. Mind you, this was after I bought her 41 dollar non-refundable ticket + online fees. Needless to say, I was pretty mad.

My consolation was that I smelled and looked good, and that I was going to see four amazing artists perform tonight. Upon my arrival I thought that I was to be surrounded by thousands of sophisticated African American adults for the night. I was immediately befriended by three ghetto fabulous 30something negroids. Whenever someone approached me they'd be like "why is you talkin to our brother?" It was cute. Before the show started, Tameka and I sang Erykah Badu songs to each other and all the beautiful nigs around us. We were all very excited for the show to start.

Having spent $107 in all, you'd think I would have had a very nice seat. You'd be wrong. I paid for the two cheapest seats possible + online fees and thus ended up paying expensive-seat price to SIT ON THE FUCKING GRASS, not being able to see the artists. We simpleton negroids were separated (by a fence and guards) from the higher paying negroids who got to have an excellent view of the artists.

At least I was sitting with my new sistas (translation for the ebonically challenged. sistas = sisters. i know it's hard to understand)

The first act was Floetry

These two (ugly but talented)  London-based amazing songstresses were the opening act of this shindig. They were largely ignored but when the first bars of their summer 03 hit "Say Yes" started to play, shit went wild. Everyone's gotta love that song. Me and my sista Ninty sang the song to everyone.

Then it was Queen Latifah! In the flesh!

Isn't she so beautiful? I admire her so. You can hurr one of her songs from her jazz CD above on my xanga playlist. She threw it down! Even though I could barely see the ho, I did get to see her up close! Yep me and Tameka were running along the Fence of Niggerdom when Queen Latifah got off stage and came running over to our side of the event! Everyone was going crazy! I love you, Queen!

Now this whole time Ninty is encouraging me to just get gully and jump over the Fence of Niggerdom into the Land of Plenty. The huge guards are pretty intimidating so at first I'm a little weary. But then I start thinking of the amazing performances that I will miss if I don't jump this fence. So my sistas and I say goodbye and I use my sly skills to sneak into the Land of Plenty. Yes, of course I got over.

So I'm standing around tryin to look casual as the stage people set up for the next act when I discover that two of my new friends Ninty and Tameka made it over the Fence of Niggerdom as well! So the next phase was to get past the Evil Layer of Ticket-Takers to find a seat before the next act. This would be very very tricky. Using some slickery, we managed to get through all these ticket-checkers and made it into the actual-real-100 dollar seats!

As our final feat of pimpocity, we managed to get into the VIP SECTION! Yes that's right. We sat pretty in the VIP section with boxed seats getting ready to enjoy the main events of the night.

Jill Scott, yall! (Check her out on my xanga playlist) OMG she had everyone in the crowd going wild over her soulful and masterful performances. At one point she was singing opera and she had people in tears! She sang all her old and new favorites. Oh what an impressive neo-soul performer.

During this time Tameka got scurred that we would get busted in the VIP section (we saw some black icons up in there), so she pussied out and left. Then Ninty had to pee but she was confident she could get back in. She never returned. Oh well I was up close and personal with the main event of the night....

Erykah Badu! The musical genius! The amazing poet/lyricist/singer/speaker/whatev. She walked out on the stage like a noble queen as she stepped up to the mike. That didn't help the crowd settle down any. I can't even describe the beautiful yet frustrating experience it was to see her on stage (Datha & Ben know what I'm talkin' about). So I'ma leave it at that.

All in all, it was the best concert I've ever been to. Check em oooout.